Humorous
| Quote | Source | |
| I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. | Mae West |
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| Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop. | |
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| I don’t repeat gossip . . . so listen closely the first time! | |
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| A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. | |
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| When all is said and done, more is said than done. | |
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| Crafts Are Cheaper Than Therapy. | |
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| Dear Lord, I need your arm around my shoulder, and your hand over my mouth. | |
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| Want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans. | Woody Allen |
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| If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles. | Doug Larson |
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| Ignorance is bliss only when you have more money than you know what to do with. | |
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| I can please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking too good either. | |
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| Marriage is made in heaven; but then, so are thunder and lightning. | |
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| I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he wouldn’t trust me so much. | Mother Teresa |
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| I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe. | |
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| Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. | |
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| I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. | |
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| Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to the wall. | |
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| Beware of people who dislike cats. | Irish Proverb |
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| Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead perfectly normal lives. | |
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| Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes? | |
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| If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. | Katherine Hepburn |
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| There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” | Dave Berry |
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| When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. | Erma Bombeck |
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| Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. | |
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